If you’ve been following along, you may remember a previous post about my favorite neighborhood character, Poncho Jesus. In that post, it was noted that he may very well be a time traveler from the very distant past.
A new theory has been presented regarding the vague history of our dear friend PJ, and that theory suggests that it is possible that he may actually be Rasputin. Rasputin was mentioned on a particular episode of the always educational Ancient Aliens, and they went into the topic of his murder in 1916. He was apparently extremely hard to kill, living through cyanide poisoning, gunshot wounds, a severe beating, and only died of hypothermia or drowning (depending on the source) after being tied up and tossed into an icy river. It has even been said that when his body was found, it appeared that he had tried to undo the bindings on his wrists.
The new theory involves either a little bit of mysticism or a little bit of time travel, but WHAT IF the body they pulled from the river was just a clever body double, and due to his mystic powers, Rasputin has survived all these years, and is now alive and well living in Englewood, CO? What if he doesn’t speak to people because his Russian accent will give him away, and he’s afraid that the ghosts of Russia past will be back to haunt him? I can definitely see a resemblance between Rasputin and Poncho Jesus. They both have crazy, burly beards, both partake of a little bit of ritual (Rasputin was known as The Mad Monk, after all,) and both are known to enjoy hitting the bottle.
After doing some research, I will have to conclude that The Rasputin Theory is plausible.
Stay with me, Portable Chickenites, for someday we shall discover the truth about Poncho Jesus.
If you add garlic stuffed olives, Moscow mules, gummy bears, and a No Pants Party together, you might end up deciding it would be hilarious to put a passive aggressive note up on your apartment complex’s bulletin board. You might also have to wrestle it back from your roomie who thinks it is a bad idea. But you are a rebel, so it might have happened anyway. Like so:
There is no better time to go to thrift store than after a few cocktails. You might end up purchasing such wonders as a hairdresser practice head, an alligator that grows in water, or works of art to improve upon and trade later! Alex seems pleased to be the recipient of Mrs. Garrett in the Woods with Passive Aggressive Bear and a Ghost Dildo.
There is a man in my neighborhood, with wild, grizzly hair and a beard that follows suit. When I spotted him wandering around in a yellow rain slicker, talking to himself one day several years ago, I dubbed him Poncho Jesus.
His mythos has grown over the years; quiet conversations with friends, coworkers, and other neighbors, all spreading the word of Poncho Jesus, sharing stories about the oddities we’d observed. I feel like I have a unique opportunity to watch him, since I work and live in the immediate area.
At first, I thought he must be crazypants. After all, he seems to mostly wander around talking to himself, never bestowing a nod or wave, never making eye contact at all.
However, the latest theory surrounding Poncho Jesus’ history is that Poncho Jesus is a mistaken time traveler from the distant past.
The incident that made us change our tack regarding the Poncho Jesus Story was when a coworker spotted him in his yard playing with a tennis ball. The coworker, I’ll call him M, is new, and isn’t familiar with all of the things we’ve seen PJ do. When he came back to the shop, he says to us, “Hey! I think I just saw that weird guy you guys talk about. He was playing with a ball in his front yard, and seemed pretty fascinated by it!”
Well, now it all makes sense!
All of the times we’ve seen him wandering around with a big stick, stopping along the street to yell at rocks or ant hills, giving the side eye to passing cars! All of the times when he took his snow shovel over to a random patch of useless sidewalk to shovel snow! The strange ritual he performed in the cul-de-sac, “dancing” around while holding two objects in his hands and mumbling at the sunset! Everything can be explained by the fact that he’s looking at the modern world through the eyes of a caveman!
He does seem to have mastered the art of trading money for goods, though. I spotted him with a bag from a store walking back to his house yesterday. Welcome to our world, Mr. Jesus. Welcome, sir.
Well, hello all! Miss Critiki here, joining the illustrious crew down here at Portable Chicken HQ to help hold things down on the blog front. I have several prestigious qualifications, including, but not limited to, the ability to occasionally finish a Sunday New York Times crossword, an appreciation for hockey and breakfast, and a habit of turning super Type A when it comes to travel plans.
Keep an eye right here for more updates, coming soon!
^^Boat drinks and beef satay…a preview of the goodies to come!
Did somebody take an old Oasis album and squeeze the delicious juices out of it, render it into a beautiful new smoothie? Yes, yes they did. This is a sonically rich album that is part of some lovely brit-pop revival. I love brit-pop. This isn’t an homage inasmuch as it is taking the formula that made Manchester smile so hard. DMA’s then take said formula and begin hammering it with a level of precision and fidelity to the genre that makes me believe this is a long-lost album from an era that died off a little too quickly for me. There are only 6 tracks on this album (at least that’s what Spotify tells me) but I want more. I squeed at the Japandroids album because it was fun and lively, this is much much better. The vocals remind me at times of Kurt Vile’s particular delivery. Get this album. Get it on vinyl if it’s available? Is it available?
Five Squees. *****
“And I can’t be certain that they’re pulling the curtain on me, and if tomorrow’s a burden then I’m still learning to be.”
In this week’s Shotgun Therapy Podcast:
We talk current events including Baltimore riots, and the fact James Bond won’t use a Sony phone. We talk with Jason Kelly from Signs and Signals, who are recording a new EP asfter a successful Kickstater campaign. And all through we find everyone’s drink of the summer, and take a field trip to Lost Lake Lounge!
Featured Celebrity Shot: The Taylor Swift
Support these Folks:
Signs and Signals
We are a lackadaisy bunch here at Portable Chicken. We slack off without posting for extended periods of time. We never really make a point. Often people point out that we a usually just a bunch of people sitting around drinking.
All of this is true. But now you can subscribe to our inconsistent, inebriated rambling voices via Stitcher Radio.
If you are not familiar with the Stitcher broadcasting platform, here are the basics:
- It works on both Android and Apple iOS devices. (You may also listen to it from a PC)
- Everyone is doing it. (And so should you!)
Now you can get your podcasting fix while waiting for the next Shotgun Therapy session.
We are still available on iTunes for you apple folk out there, we are just expanding our reach.
For you. The “audience.”
Follow and like… blah blah social media… blah blah blah.
-The Portable Management
I was hoping to get the Xmas Special up before the actual Holiday, but truth be told, Alex had to fly out the next day after recording, and I’ve been at a location with no internet for a few days, so yeah… still not up yet.
The important thing is, we had a party, drank some booze and ate stuff.
I want to take a moment to thank you to all of the rotating cast we have had over the past year. Thank you to all of the people who have put up with our phone calls. Thanks to all of you who have been listening and putting up with our factual inaccuracies, indulgent tirades, rants and weird release schedules.
Also special thanks to Steven, for providing an awesome venue to for our party.
In the mean time, here are assorted pictures: